WHAT
EXACTLY IS CO-DEPENDENCY?
Codependency is about having a dysfunctional relationship with self-
…with our own minds, emotions, and spirits. Because
we have dysfunctional relationships internally, we have dysfunctional
relationships externally. We were raised in a shame-based, emotionally
dishonest, spiritually hostile environment by parents who were wounded
in their childhoods by a patriarchal, shame-based civilization. We
formed our core relationship with self in early childhood - and built
our relationship with self, life, and other humans based on that
foundation. Programmed to feel shame about being imperfect and trained
to be emotionally dishonest, we were set up to live life reacting to the
emotional dysfunction of our childhoods. Because we feel flawed , we
have a relationship with life that doesn’t work to bring us joy or inner
peace.
“ We do
not have the power to change others -
we do have the power to change our relationship with our self by healing
our wounded souls. We can accept, embrace, forgive, have compassion
for, and set boundaries with, all parts of our self. Learning to love
our self will allow us to gain the capacity to love others in a healthy
way.”
~ Robert Burney
The dance of
Codependence is a dance of dysfunctional relationships- of relationships
that don’t work. The fact that dysfunction exists in our family is a
symptom of the dysfunction that exists in our relationship with life -
with being human- with our self. Codependence is an emotional defense
system, which was adopted by our egos to meet our need to survive as a
child. Because we had no tools for reprogramming our egos and healing
our emotional wounds, the effect is that as adults, we keep reacting to
the programming of our childhood- not getting our
emotional/mental/spiritual needs met.
Codependence allows us to survive physically, but causes us to feel
empty and dead inside. Codependence is a defense system that causes us
to wound ourselves.
Codependence is all about giving outside, external
influences power over our self-esteem. Everything outside of our 'self
' has to do with ego-strength- not self-worth. Codependents keep so
busy with things ‘outside of themselves’ that they never take the time
to go inside. They never take the time to be ‘still’ with themselves.
Therefore, they never allow the healing to begin. They choose instead,
to be hyper-vigilant of those around them- feeling a need to control
every thing. Or else they allow themselves to be controlled by others,
never being able to confront openly, in the moment. Instead they use
passive-aggressive patterns to ‘get even’ with who’s controlling them.
Either way, at
the basis of these unhealthy behaviors (in my opinion) is always anger,
fear and shame. And until the codependent person can be still with
themselves- until they can go inside and begin the healing on a deeply
personal level, there will never be peace.
If we aren’t working on healing our
inner wounds- then we can’t begin to see ourselves clearly- let alone
anything or anybody else in our life.
Granny
Earth, N.D.
November 15,
2006
________________________________________________
CONQUERING CO-DEPENDENCY- The Journey
Within
-
A
personal story by Granny Earth, N.D.
A long time ago, I
was very discontent with the way things were in my life. I used to
spend a lot of time trying to change other people, trying to get them
to see where they were wrong (and I was right). I was trying to make
them come around to my way of thinking. This, of course, never did
work. But, I kept trying anyhow. Needless to say, it caused a lot of
arguments and bad feelings. I wasn’t the only one who played this
game. We all played it - my family of origin, my husband, all of us!
All of us were trying to prove that we were ‘right’ and that the other
person was ‘wrong’. For years we played this game - for years we
lived in the misery of Co-dependency and CONTROL.
Yes, we were all
trying to control every thing and everybody in our lives. Trying to
make them think or do what we wanted them to. If only they would get
it! If only they could see where they were wrong! If only they would
start working on themselves! Did it work? Hell no! All it did was
keep us locked into the mind-set of controlling others. It never
allowed for going inside our self to look at the real misery - the
real discontent. The discontent with self is what I have come to
believe is the real problem that keeps us from being truly happy.
These ‘life games’
are hard to break out of. I think they’ve been ingrained in us for
many, many lifetimes. You may not believe in reincarnation, but I do.
It’s actually the only thing that makes sense to me, as to why we
seemed to be programmed into playing these ‘head games’ with each
other. I also believe that the Ego has a lot to do with it too. Freud
had an interesting theory of the personality - the Id, the Ego and the
Super Ego. For those of you who are interested, here’s brief
description from - Structure of
Mind: Freud's Id, Ego, & Superego:
(http://www.wilderdom.com/personality/L8-4StructureMindIdEgoSuperego.html)
Freud saw the
personality as having three aspects, which work together to produce
our complex behaviors: the
Id, the
Ego and the
Superego. All 3 components need to be
well-balanced in order to have reasonable mental health. However, the
Ego has a difficult time dealing with the competing demands of the
Superego and the Id. According to the psychoanalytic view, this
conflict is an intrinsic part of the human experience. ‘The conflict
between the Id and Superego, negotiated by the Ego, is one of the
fundamental battles all people face’.-
FROM THE ABOVE
QUOTE - “The conflict between the
Id and Superego, negotiated by the Ego, is one of the fundamental
battles all people face.”
And so perhaps it is
merely a human condition, this -BATTLE
WITHIN
. . . . . . .
Today we are faced
with the challenge of transcending that human condition -
THE BATTLE WITHIN -
and many are doing it by what I call -
Move ‘N On. I’m sure there
are many ways to do this, but to keep things simple, here’s what I
believe we can all do to transcend this battle within. We can start
paying attention to who we really are. We can learn to go ‘within’ to
heal ourselves. We can make peace with ourselves. And - we can learn
to be happy. Yes, there is one road, but oh, so many paths. It is
ultimately up to you to find your ‘path’, but I believe that we must
go inside and stop the raging battles. We must, and we can create
peace within. There is no ‘one size fits all’ here. We each need to
find our own path to ….the journey within.
HOW TO BEGIN: Realize that
THERE IS a battle raging
- and it is not with those around you. No, the battle is always
~within~. So whatever way you decide to do it, start looking within
yourself for the answers. Many have begun their journey by doing
something for themselves that brings them pleasure. And no, I’m not
talking about getting drunk, having an extramarital affair, or beating
up someone you despise! Rather, I’m talking about something creative,
artistic, or educational. Treat yourself to something that you’ve
always had a yearning to do, whether it’s going back to school,
enrolling in a pottery class, or just making time to be alone with
yourself to read a good book. Start by being kind to YOU, the most
important person in your life.
…… LETTING GO OR WALKING AWAY ……
Some things I’ve had to do for the journey within:
I’ve found it necessary to finally let go of people in my life who
were pulling me down. These were people who found it necessary to put
me down, belittle me, lie to me, make me wrong, etc. For years I
tried to enlighten them, teach them, help them and yes, even please
them. Guess what? It never worked! When I got strong enough, I even
learned to confront them. Did this work? Unfortunately it did not. It
only served to make them even more egotistical and hostile.
However, learning
to confront, was part of my journey - something that I evidentially
had to learn how to do. Most of my life, I had been afraid to
confront, because something deep down inside of me instinctively knew
that if I were to confront the control freak, that they would
ultimately end up rejecting me. I must have carried a fear of
rejection and/or abandonment with me from eons ago and so being
rejected scared the heck out of me. But, I eventually did learn to
confront. I also learned how to stand back (within my field of
awareness) and watch the game of ‘confront’ – ‘reject’ as it played
out before my eyes. It was always the same: Confront - get rejected!
Confront - get rejected. Finally (after a very long, long time) it
dawned on me to ‘let them go’ - to simply surrender to the fact that I
could not change ‘them’. I finally came to the realization that the
only one I could change was ME!
This is when I was able to CUT THE
TIES………..and Move
ON !
This is when I was
able to set myself
FREE -
to
begin working on the most important thing that I have ever done -
The Journey IN.
